I Was Reliving My High School Wounds, And What I Did to Move On and Walk My Own Path
High school wasn't easy for me. And parts of me were still stuck there, reliving rejection, bullying and embarrassment.
I have numerous memories which seem to penetrate my heart and sense of self, like the one (of many) where I spoke up in class with a question that was bringing me deeper into the process, only to be told that I ask stupid questions.
Or the time when I thought I was seeing a better way to do something, and brought that forward to the teacher, only to be told my ideas are outrageous and selfish.
There's also the general sensation that I was never really accepted into "the crowd", like I was always on the outskirts, not invited more than once or twice to "the gatherings", and never really making meaningful bonds with a group of people who I just couldn't seem to find an opening with.
It seemed to me like I was never really accepted, invited, or welcomed to just be who I was.
I've had recurring dreams, up to this day, of those one or two main people, who seemed to enjoy the process of poking these wounds. In my dreams their faces are blurred, though I know who they are.
It was only in my most recent dream that as this was taking place again, I told an onlooker -- "It's OK, he can't hurt me. There's only love here". I awoke amazed at the turn of events.
Last night, after a deep-dive self-facilitated session of EFT (tapping on meridian points while bringing up and feeling into core emotions) I broke through to another layer of it all.
It was only moments before starting the tapping, that I actually cognized how it was THIS constellation of experiences which was echoing in my current life: I was still playing small, I was still afraid of how someone would "judge" or "approve" of my work or my message. I didn't want to have outrageous ideas, or ask stupid questions.
I still wanted to keep certain parts of my voice and presence secret, hidden, in a place where they couldn't be hurt or dismissed.
I had the penetrating insight that I gave years of my life to longterm intimate relationships where my partners would tell me that I am too much, and in general keep me at arm's length when I just wanted to step ever-closer. And I continued to choose these kinds of connections, because it was so familiar.
It was all the same core seeds. It was playing out all over my life.
When I realized that all of these tendencies were secured in the halls of that high school and in elementary school before it, I attended deeply to the sensations and emotions of the girl who was still there. With EFT, and the time and tears and courage to go there, I awoke this morning a lighter, cleaner version of my soul.
I'm here, and my main joy is to support another human being in uncovering love within themselves. That's it. Yes, I'm passionate about this, yes, I have a LOT of love to give. And I no longer feel concerned, this morning, about how this message is received, or who will "Like" and approve it, or who will not.
It seems so important for us to keep moving deeper into this place -- where we are JUST ALLOWED TO BE. Whoever we are, however we are. To find that place of allowance, within ourselves, and the joy of entering into it with another person, as well.
And as we journey back in this lifetime and other lifetimes, and uncover all the ways that our energy has been folded in on itself, lessened, diminished, and unexpressed, we get to gently uncover, unfold, and smooth out all those bits of ourselves. And it only leads to contentment and peace.
It leads to us just....resting. Even more so than we ever have. And that is what I am enjoying today. That is the work I love to do, with myself, and with you.
That is why I created the training that I did, The Three Unconscious Vows That Keep You From Your Best Life -- because one of those vows may have been made in those high school halls. And we all deserve peace, and grace, and....rest.
Here's to you unfolding into your greatness, because that is all you have ever been. And there are Divine Truths, just under the surface of all these moments, all these emotions.
Last night, the message was this:
Despite any external appearances, you are infinitely loved.
And that's true for you, as well.
To listen to the training, get instant access right here.
In the comments below, tell me if you're reliving any of your high school wounds and experiences in your current life. Are you playing it small? Are you afraid of judgement, or waiting for someone to approve of you?
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