How Subtle Control Dynamics May be Sabotaging Your Best Life, and What to Do About It
Our Best Life is not just about having all our intentions and soul-goals manifest in front of our eyes. It’s also about the way we live and breathe through every moment of every day. How we move while we wait for our next metamorphosis. If you're into tightening up your game and playing full-out-awesome on a daily basis, this post is for you.
Subtle control dynamics, and the power to recognize them, is a superpower that you can develop.
In a sense, these dynamics do two things. They drain our energy (read: creative potential and life force), and they swirl us into an energetic loop that has us feeling less than love and less than divinely inspired. So you can see how fantastic it would be to unplug from that. Let’s dive in.
The first subtle control dynamic manifests as thinking that our way is best.
This can range from how to clean the floor, to what kind of educational diploma makes one a worthy person. This can creep in at any time of day, in any way. Let’s take a look.
We may have a friend over, and as a gesture of inspiration and gratitude, they may start to wash the dishes. Or the floor. And as they do so, we can catch ourselves thinking: Ugh! That is so not the way to do it! I do it better.
Or we may be speaking with a person and discovering more about them. As they share their work in the world, and their certifications or lack-there-of, there may be a reaction like: You need to go do X and Y, and then perhaps Z as well.
Both of these reactions move the energy of a situation out of neutrality, and potential gratitude, to “I know the answer! I know the fix! My way is better!”. That’s a control dynamic. And it can be so subtle that we actually believe ourselves, and think we are doing and offering something positive.
Instead, try this: When witnessing someone “doing it wrong”, barring truly dangerous circumstances, try moving into gratitude instead. Ask questions like “How does this serve me? What can I be grateful for here? How can I enjoy this situation more?”
When thinking that you have the answer and the way, try staying curious, and ask questions instead. You may say something like “I’ve only ever heard of it being done this other way. How have you made this work so well for you? What do you think is the best thing about your experience? What is the most challenging?” It may just open up a whole new world. And give energy, rather than draining it via the constriction that is created by the sensations of control.
Another subtle control dynamic is acting out learned behavior patterns and beliefs that trigger guilt or shame, keeping us stuck in a loop and losing energy. In this dynamic, we are being controlled by these automatic reactions.
Perhaps there is a feeling of guilt when we are not providing food, or money to a loved one. Or perhaps there is a feeling of shame that our appearance is not up to some “standard” at any one point in time. There are many other ways this shows up -- think back over your day, or week, and you may just find such a moment.
When you spot this coming up, try this instead: Immediately drop into your body. Look for areas of tension and restriction -- perhaps it’s the belly, or the facial muscles. Perhaps it’s the pelvic floor. Release these muscles consciously. And also try to spot the words you’re telling yourself. When you hear them, flip ‘em around! Let yourself know, verbally, that you are allowed to behave and appear as you are. “It is OK for me to not make food right now.” or “My body is housing my Soul and Spirit, and for that I am immensely grateful” or “This is a stage of my life, and I honor it completely. In every moment, I have the capacity to choose a new action and a new emotional state”.
It may seem strange or even frivolous in the beginning, that said, as you practice this way of flipping your thoughts, you will sense the difference in your level of energy. The key thing is to spot this control dynamic first! You can do it. And by activating this, you plug an energy leak in your system, and funnel that energy towards positive and accepting thoughts -- a powerful reality-creation mechanism.
A third subtle control dynamic is pushing ourselves, and others, to be anyhow or anywhere other than now. Do you ever give yourself a hard time about “If only I started this years ago”? or do you ever look at your family or partner and say “if only they were difference in this or that way”? Yeah, that’s a control dynamic. We are taking ourselves out of all the power which exists in this moment, and instead lamenting and blaming.
Instead, try this: use these situations to acknowledge that you desire and intend to optimize your current state of affairs.
Acknowledge that you’ve just pinpointed a pattern, and that you intend to learn from the past, and decide on and choose another future. Realize that it’s a useful thing to learn by contrast, and to observe behavior patterns that help you to reflect on your own dynamics.
These kinds of moments, when we start to give our power away, are exactly the richest times to fully open our eyes and seize that power. At the very least, pause your thoughts to the greatest of your ability, and focus again on your body. Breathe into your belly, and wait for your energy to shift.
By recognizing subtle control dynamics playing out in ourselves, we change the story, and thereby change the outcome. Instead of getting pulled into thought-whirlpools of shame, guilt or righteousness, we claim our innate sovereignty, readjust our compass and continue to stay aligned with divine inspiration and gentle love.
Are you surprised? Did you think this post would be more about how other people are trying to subtly control you? It all comes back to our agreements and personal power. Once we realize the game inside of ourselves and drop it like the ineffective toy that it is, we will more easily see the same dynamics in anyone else. And we will have so much more creative energy, personal power and compassion to navigate that external terrain.
You can do it! Claim your birthright of a magnificent life! I believe in your capacities.
Was this helpful to you today? Let me know what resonates for you, and what you're ready to embody next.